Thursday, December 23, 2010

Second Best...

Well the holidays are upon us...  I have never liked them - for as long as I can remember I have disliked Christmas time.  The shopping, decorating, wrapping gifts...  Bah Humbug!

This year will be the first Christmas I spend without the Enginerd...  This is also the first Christmas where my kids no longer believe in Santa, so it is kind of a double whammy.  It will be the first Christmas morning that I wake up and my kids aren't with me - they are coming home at noon on Christmas Day.  I feel like I am second best...  in many ways.

When I was married, what I wanted always came second to the Enginerd's mother...  On Christmas Eve, we always, ALWAYS went to his mother's.  Even when we lived in Ohio and had 2 babies - we drove to his mother's for Christmas Eve.  In my mind, it was a small price to pay so that we could stay home on Christmas day.  Arguing about it was futile.  It was like that for every. single. holiday.  I became numb and accustomed to being second place.

As a child, I went back and forth between my parents homes though they were many more miles apart than the Enginerd and me.  But I swore to myself that I would never do that to my kids....  and here I am...

At this moment, I feel very alone and it is tearing me up.  I dragged myself out of bed this morning for work...  I am hoping I can be distracted there for a few hours... 

I wish I had them Christmas Eve and Christmas morning...  I wish I didn't have to share them...  I wish I didn't feel so alone right now...  I wish I didn't feel like second best...

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The next chapter begins...

The divorce is final.  During this whole thing, I tried not to malign the Enginerd.  Though there were multiple times he said very nasty things about me.  I chose to mourn the ending of my marriage privately.  Even now, for those of you who know me in person, I will not speak negatively about the Enginerd.  Our issues were private, and really nobody else's business.

But here on my blog, I intend to speak out.  We have been living separately for the past several months.  A lot of that time is vague - I don't remember much of the summer - my mind must be blocking it out.  I am sure there are things that I will miss about the Enginerd, but there are also many MANY things I will not miss. 

In no particular order (please try to follow all of my double negatives):
  • I will not miss never being able to talk about anything - how I was feeling, my sadness, the fact that the hallway needed painting for 2 years...  Any time I wanted to talk about something, I was told that "all I do is bitch".  
  • I will not miss the bickering.  We bickered non-stop, and it was exhausting.
  • I will not miss crying myself to sleep because my husband slept on the couch every. single. night.
  • I will not miss trying to talk to the Enginerd about how unhappy I was and being told that I just need to increase my medication.
  • I will not miss staying at work late so that I didn't have to come home and deal with the passive aggression.
  • I will not miss my kids asking me why their Dad is in a bad mood all the time.
  • I will not miss asking him to go to therapy with me and being told that I am the problem... "We" don't need therapy.
  • I will not miss never feeling beautiful or attractive.
  • I will not miss feeling alone all the time.
  • I will not miss everyone thinking we had a perfect marriage.
  • I will not miss all of the physical symptoms of stress that have magically disappeared - my severe lower back pain; the TMJ pain that would make my jaw lock up.
  • I will not miss having my feelings of self-worth being sacrificed so the Enginerd did not have to stand up to his mother.
I am sure I am not telling any of you anything you don't already know...  It takes 2 people to make a marriage succeed, and it also takes 2 people to make a marriage fail.  The Enginerd would say that I hammered the final nail in the coffin of our marriage - I must point out that it was after years of failed attempts at resuscitation.  What's done is done, and we all need to move on now.  I would like to add that though the path we took to arrive at a divorce may not have been the most pleasant, I would not change the final result.
    This whole experience has taught me many things:
    • I have learned who my true friends are.  True friends stand by you when things are not rosy...  They don't judge or pry.  They don't indulge the rantings of others.  
    • I have learned that one of my best friends is my sister.  (Love you DH!)
    • I have learned that the Enginerd will never take any responsibility for our failed marriage.  In his mind, everything will always be my fault. 
    • I have learned that being happy will be my best revenge.

      Wednesday, October 13, 2010

      My Arch Nemesis… We meet again!

      So I am finally emerging from the fog that I have been in for the last few months.  Upon exit from my cave, I realized that the holidays are right around the corner…  I may not have realized that except for the fact that we were discussing our holiday party at work the other day, and even prior to that, I was invited to another holiday party.

      So I did something that I never thought I would do…  I bought an actual dress.  I cannot even remember the last time I used my hard-earned money to purchase a dress!  I have never liked dresses, and I can remember as a child telling my mother that someday when I buy my own clothes, I will never ever buy a dress.  And for the past 20 years, that has been true.

      But I thought that maybe it was time to spice up my image a little.  So I bought the classic little black dress.  Except in my case it isn’t “little”.  {Isn’t black supposed to be slimming??}  As I was trying this dress on, I realized something else – my back fat is running rampant! 

      I took my eye off of that back fat for just a few months, and it is taking over!  What is a girl to do??  I will tell you – I bought a girdle, more commonly referred to as Spanx, which was non-returnable.  My sister suggested that I buy the full bodysuit with the built in bra, but then my sister is a well-endowed girl on the top.  I am more well-endowed on the bottom, and I really don’t want to minimize the top.  Plus, the full Spanx created a uni-boob, which I also don’t want!

      I opted for the style that looks like the girdle my grandma used to wear.  Honestly, once I put that thing on, it is not coming off for a very long time.  So I couldn’t figure out how to go to the bathroom with it on.  Oh – silly me – there is a little opening in the crotch area. 

      Hello – I do not have a penis - how exactly am I supposed to use that opening?  I have no idea.  This truly is a mystery to me – and going to the bathroom under a variety of questionable circumstances is not foreign to me, but this is going beyond my ability!  So I went back out and bought a slip that is like a girdle but without the legs.  It has built in underwear with hooks in the crotch in case nature calls.  It does not suck the fat in as well as the Spanx however.  I think my need to suck in the fat is going to be greater than my need to go to the bathroom.

      Doesn’t anyone wear pantyhose anymore?  I can’t figure out where they are supposed to go…  I can’t put them under the Spanx, because if I take the Spanx off, I am not going to be able to get it back on.  If I put them over the Spanx, my roles may not be all smoothed out which would defeat the purpose of wearing the Spanx.  And if I wear the slip, I am not sure if the pantyhose go over or under the built in underwear.  Things have certainly changed in the last 20 years (which was approximately the last time I bought a dress).

      Of course the sales lady at Macy’s told me that I should buy these pantyhose that have the “shaper” built right in.  But I pointed out to her that the “shaper” part in those panty hose starts at my waist and there may be parts of me that spill out over the waist.  I need full body support!

      So the only thing I can figure out is that I am supposed to wear thigh-high stockings??  Is that the trick?  If it is, I am hoping that when I put on the stockings that the fat that squeezes out of the top of the thigh highs can be sucked back in by the Spanx, or the slip. 

      Seriously it would have been so much easier to buy pants!

      Wednesday, September 29, 2010

      Wordless Wednesday

      I know I haven't posted in awhile...  It's that whole divorce thing kind of putting a damper on my spirits...  But I had the opportunity to go to a pre-season Pittsburgh Penguins game this past Saturday at the new Consol Energy Center.  And I just had to share some pictures.  First off, the tickets for the game were graciously provided by the Highmark Caring Place which is a fabulous resource for grieving children and families.

      Ok - on to my photos...

      Tuesday, September 7, 2010

      Fall is here...

      In my book, it is officially fall!  And I can't tell you how happy I am that it is finally here!   Both of my kids are participating in fall soccer and swimming this year, and I am really looking forward to going to their games and meets and cheering them on.

      I am preparing for a trip to California for work...  I am fortunate that my company is based out of Sunnyvale and I am going next week for some training sessions.  But I have never been to California so I am heading out a few days early to check out the sites!  And I can't wait!  I will be staying in San Francisco for a few days. 

      So I need some suggestions for great places to eat, and sites I MUST see!  Please let me know - I am totally clueless with no plan (other that Alcatraz - those tickets are already reserved!)

      Friday, August 27, 2010

      Well it final happened...

      Remember a couple of weeks ago I mentioned I was only mildly pissed off??  Well, I have reached my breaking point and am now completely pissed off!!

      I was with the Enginerd for 25 years...  Yes - you read correctly 25 YEARS!  So we have been through alot together...  And I KNOW he is a good person at heart, and I thought that he knew that about me.  I also thought his family knew that about me. 

      But yesterday I read an email that I was not supposed to see in which the Enginerd called me a "stupid bitch" because I didn't make my daughter try on her new school clothes BEFORE the first day of school.  And my soon to be ex father in law replied with (and I quote), "What is wrong with her?  I guess she doesn't give a shit."

      For the record, I TRIED to get our very strong willed daughter to try her clothes on before the first day of school, and I DO give a shit...  (Thought I should throw that in just in case there was any question!)

      Why would such an email exchange like this even bother me?  I will tell you why...  I have an enormous amount of respect for my Father-In-Law.  He is a good man!  And when I was really down and out many years ago, he and my Mother-In-Law were there for me (this was long before the Enginerd and I got married).

      Don't get me wrong, we have had our share of disagreements - no doubt.  But underneath all of that, I thought of him as a true fatherly figure.  So when I saw that email, I completely broke down.

      It was bad enough that the Enginerd called me a "stupid bitch", but honestly I can deal with that...  He is mad at me - he is going to be mad at me for a very long time.   The comment by my Father-In-Law cut like a knife.

      But the story doesn't end there...  A couple of weeks ago, the Enginerd and I went to my therapist together.  He wanted to talk about some things, and that is a safe environment that I suggested.

      During that session, he made his "last ditch effort" at a reconciliation.  He claimed that his family is behind us and will be supportive if we choose to get back together.  Really??  Not that I was considering a reconciliation, but that email didn't sound very supportive to me.

      Then, the Enginerd took our children to Florida for a vacation for a week, and during that entire time, I couldn't get him to return my phone calls...  I had to practically order him to have the kids call me.  The entire week was extremely upsetting to me.

      So I have a letter to the Enginerd...

      Dear Enginerd:
           I am done with your mind games.  I realize that you are upset and I am equally upset.  But I am done allowing you to take advantage of me and this situation.  I will continue to make sure the kids call you every night when they are with me, and I hope that you will keep your word and do the same when the children are with you.
           I would like to remind you that you are not to malign me to our children.  And I would urge you to make sure your family understands that.  I will continue to cooperate with you regarding any aspect of our childrens lives - we both love them and they are the priority.
           However, I have decided that trying to be "fair" with you regarding a financial settlement is not working.  I think we should probably be sure that we are splitting our assets equitably and I am investigating exactly how we can do that. 
           Regretfully, Me   

      Thursday, August 12, 2010

      Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop

      Well I haven't participated in some time, but I just had to take a few minutes today to join in Mama Kat's Writers Workshop:

      Mama's Losin' It

      The prompt I have chosen to address is #3...

      The most unbelievable blue eyes you’ve ever seen…

      As soon I as I saw this prompt, I knew who I would write about - my beautiful daughter K-Lo.  She is the only one in our family with blue eyes, and they are just beautiful!

      Ok - so her eyes are closed here, but I LOVE this picture of her - I think it was the last time she was quiet!

      I just love gazing into her beautiful eyes!

      Tuesday, August 10, 2010

      Post it Note Tuesday....

      Well friends - I haven't posted in awhile...  I have been busy trying to remain calm while dealing with my soon-to-be-ex.

      I dedicate this Post -It_note Tuesday to the Enginerd...  Pretty self-explanatory I think....

      I feel much better now!

      Friday, July 30, 2010

      Update... (with a little venting)

      I must say - I might be the most naive person on the face of the earth... 

      I am certainly aware that divorce can be ugly...  My parents divorced when I was very young and their relationship was...  strained to say the least.  But I really really believed that the Enginerd and I would be mature adults about all of this. 

      Well - I can now see why sooo many divorces go sour!  For the last 17 years, I have paid the bills, invested our money, managed the savings, made sure the kids have college accounts and savings accounts.  In addition, nobody in our household has ever wanted for anything EVER!  Why would I all of a sudden want to cheat the Enginerd??  WHY?  I have no f'n idea, but apparently I do!

      I have tried to be fair - agreeing to split everything down the middle; underestimating the value of assets so that the Enginerd didn't have to come up with too much in a settlement; not forcing a sale of any assets or properties that may be held dear.

      What has being nice gotten me??   Not a fucking thing!  I just want this to be OVER NOW! 

      We are in the middle of a 90 day waiting period.  There are 62 days remaining until the end of this waiting period (not that I am counting or anything?!?!?!).  In theory at day 91, if all the paperwork is complete between the attorneys, we could sign the agreements, and then the attorneys just need to get a judges signature/approval.  I really believed that this would all be done by the end of October - by Thanksgiving at the latest.   Now - I am not so sure.

      To be clear, my mind is not changing!  I do not want to go back!  The people who know me - really know me - have noticed a huge change in my disposition.  I am actually happy again - and it feels effortless!  Even with all the stress in my life right now - I am happy!  WOW - it feels so good to say that! 

      This weekend, I am starting to move out of the house to a condo nearby.  The moving truck will come next week to hopefully wrap up the move.  I keep telling myself to just get through this move - everything will be better once I am out of the house. 

      I am just going to continue sitting in a fetal position, rocking back and forth, mumbling to myself now...

      Tuesday, July 6, 2010

      A sad post today...

      Well - it is Post it Note Tuesday, but I don't have any witty Post-Its today...  This post is going to be a difficult one for me...  I started this blog months ago to have a place to rant.  None of my "real" friends or family knew about it.  Then gradually, I told a few people.  The result of that has been that I have censored this blog.  Today will be a very uncensored post...

      The Enginerd and I have decided to end our marriage.  It is difficult to even type those words - I still cannot bring myself to say to D-word.  We have been married for 17 years; I have been with him since I was 16 years old; this is something I NEVER thought I would I go through; it is a sad sad time.

      We are trying to work together to make this separation as amicable as possible.  Obviously we will always be in each others lives, and we are hoping to remain friends.  He has been in my life for 25 years...  He has given me 2 beautiful children...  There was a time when we were happy and in love...  I am holding onto all of that - he will always hold a special place in my heart, and a piece of me will always love him.  But the sadness in our marriage is pervasive, and we both deserve to be happy.  We also owe it to our children to create positive, happy environments for them, and we have failed at that for some time.

      For all of my "real life" friends out there - please do not email, text, phone, or IM me with tons of questions.  I do not want to talk!  I have chosen a few select, very old, dear friends and family members to confide in about this.  I am also continuing to see a therapist to work through the grief and all of the other emotions that I am experiencing right now.

      Thank you friends - for listening to me ramble on about this difficult time.

      Tuesday, June 15, 2010

      Post It Note Tuesday

      I have been absent lately - just too many things going on.  But today is Post It Note Tuesday!  So I just needed to participate!

      My thoughts today...

      Wednesday, May 26, 2010

      Wordless (Wordful) Wednesday

      OK - I am going on another rant today...

      The picture above is of a retaining wall on the PA turnpike.  I pass this wall every single day.  And every single day, it infuriates me.  Remember, I now have 45 minutes in the car to think, and stress, and obsess over many many subjects.  This wall is a regular trigger for my angst.

      I travel the turnpike between Monroeville, exit 57 (Old exit 6 for those long time PA turnpike travelers) and Cranberry Township, exit 28 (Old Exit 3).  This wall happens to be right at the Allegheny Valley exit where they are replacing the bridges over the Allegheny River.

      So, what's the big deal about this wall??  Well I will tell you... The oh-so financially responsible PA Turnpike Commission spent $250,000 to make this wall look like this - with all the crevices and the staining.  Did you read what I just wrote??  $250,000- GRRRRRRR!  Yes - this wall started out as just a plain old economical wall!  But that just wasn't good enough for the fine PA turnpike!  I have been so irritated by this wall, that I finally looked it up last night and found an article here about this wall.  And what's the justification??  Well it only cost 0.13% of the total project budget?!?!?!  Are you freaking kidding me???

      I tell you what - I could have let me kids have at that wall for $250,000 - paint it / chisel it / whatever! 

      I can seriously think of many MANY better ways to spend $250,000!  The American Society of Civil Engineers recently released a report giving Pennsylvania's bridges a "C" and its roads a "D-."  Yet it was important to spend $250,000 to decorate a wall!

      This kind of thing seriously makes my blood boil!

      Thanks for listening!

      Tuesday, May 25, 2010

      Woo Hoo - my favorite bloggy day!

      Ok bloggy friends - It is (drum roll please.....) POST IT NOTE TUESDAY!

      Here are my thoughts for the day: