Wednesday, October 13, 2010

My Arch Nemesis… We meet again!

So I am finally emerging from the fog that I have been in for the last few months.  Upon exit from my cave, I realized that the holidays are right around the corner…  I may not have realized that except for the fact that we were discussing our holiday party at work the other day, and even prior to that, I was invited to another holiday party.

So I did something that I never thought I would do…  I bought an actual dress.  I cannot even remember the last time I used my hard-earned money to purchase a dress!  I have never liked dresses, and I can remember as a child telling my mother that someday when I buy my own clothes, I will never ever buy a dress.  And for the past 20 years, that has been true.

But I thought that maybe it was time to spice up my image a little.  So I bought the classic little black dress.  Except in my case it isn’t “little”.  {Isn’t black supposed to be slimming??}  As I was trying this dress on, I realized something else – my back fat is running rampant! 

I took my eye off of that back fat for just a few months, and it is taking over!  What is a girl to do??  I will tell you – I bought a girdle, more commonly referred to as Spanx, which was non-returnable.  My sister suggested that I buy the full bodysuit with the built in bra, but then my sister is a well-endowed girl on the top.  I am more well-endowed on the bottom, and I really don’t want to minimize the top.  Plus, the full Spanx created a uni-boob, which I also don’t want!

I opted for the style that looks like the girdle my grandma used to wear.  Honestly, once I put that thing on, it is not coming off for a very long time.  So I couldn’t figure out how to go to the bathroom with it on.  Oh – silly me – there is a little opening in the crotch area. 

Hello – I do not have a penis - how exactly am I supposed to use that opening?  I have no idea.  This truly is a mystery to me – and going to the bathroom under a variety of questionable circumstances is not foreign to me, but this is going beyond my ability!  So I went back out and bought a slip that is like a girdle but without the legs.  It has built in underwear with hooks in the crotch in case nature calls.  It does not suck the fat in as well as the Spanx however.  I think my need to suck in the fat is going to be greater than my need to go to the bathroom.

Doesn’t anyone wear pantyhose anymore?  I can’t figure out where they are supposed to go…  I can’t put them under the Spanx, because if I take the Spanx off, I am not going to be able to get it back on.  If I put them over the Spanx, my roles may not be all smoothed out which would defeat the purpose of wearing the Spanx.  And if I wear the slip, I am not sure if the pantyhose go over or under the built in underwear.  Things have certainly changed in the last 20 years (which was approximately the last time I bought a dress).

Of course the sales lady at Macy’s told me that I should buy these pantyhose that have the “shaper” built right in.  But I pointed out to her that the “shaper” part in those panty hose starts at my waist and there may be parts of me that spill out over the waist.  I need full body support!

So the only thing I can figure out is that I am supposed to wear thigh-high stockings??  Is that the trick?  If it is, I am hoping that when I put on the stockings that the fat that squeezes out of the top of the thigh highs can be sucked back in by the Spanx, or the slip. 

Seriously it would have been so much easier to buy pants!


Facie said...

You are so funny.

I wore thigh high stockings when I was a waitress in college b/c I hate, hate, hate pantyhose. I had a bit of the muffin-tip issue, but my skirt kept that hidden. I can see I would have been better served by your spanx.

Good luck!

Law Momma said...

I can't believe I missed this when it was posted. You crack me up.

I am also very concerned about the take over of my back fat. And arm fat. They are plotting to overthrow my stomach and ass fat as rulers of my fattiness.

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Cathy said...

I was researching How To Wear Spanx (kind of like How To Use your iPhone or How To Use Twitter. How sad am I? I don't seem to know How To Live!) any way, I digress. As I was trying to find out whether I was supposed to wear my pantyhose under or on top of the Spanx, I stumbled upon your blog. In addition to giving me something to laugh about, you also brought up a whole new research subject for me...How To Go To The Bathroom in Spanx! I don't know whether to thank you or to cry!