But here on my blog, I intend to speak out. We have been living separately for the past several months. A lot of that time is vague - I don't remember much of the summer - my mind must be blocking it out. I am sure there are things that I will miss about the Enginerd, but there are also many MANY things I will not miss.
In no particular order (please try to follow all of my double negatives):
- I will not miss never being able to talk about anything - how I was feeling, my sadness, the fact that the hallway needed painting for 2 years... Any time I wanted to talk about something, I was told that "all I do is bitch".
- I will not miss the bickering. We bickered non-stop, and it was exhausting.
- I will not miss crying myself to sleep because my husband slept on the couch every. single. night.
- I will not miss trying to talk to the Enginerd about how unhappy I was and being told that I just need to increase my medication.
- I will not miss staying at work late so that I didn't have to come home and deal with the passive aggression.
- I will not miss my kids asking me why their Dad is in a bad mood all the time.
- I will not miss asking him to go to therapy with me and being told that I am the problem... "We" don't need therapy.
- I will not miss never feeling beautiful or attractive.
- I will not miss feeling alone all the time.
- I will not miss everyone thinking we had a perfect marriage.
- I will not miss all of the physical symptoms of stress that have magically disappeared - my severe lower back pain; the TMJ pain that would make my jaw lock up.
- I will not miss having my feelings of self-worth being sacrificed so the Enginerd did not have to stand up to his mother.
- I have learned who my true friends are. True friends stand by you when things are not rosy... They don't judge or pry. They don't indulge the rantings of others.
- I have learned that one of my best friends is my sister. (Love you DH!)
- I have learned that the Enginerd will never take any responsibility for our failed marriage. In his mind, everything will always be my fault.
- I have learned that being happy will be my best revenge.