Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The next chapter begins...

The divorce is final.  During this whole thing, I tried not to malign the Enginerd.  Though there were multiple times he said very nasty things about me.  I chose to mourn the ending of my marriage privately.  Even now, for those of you who know me in person, I will not speak negatively about the Enginerd.  Our issues were private, and really nobody else's business.

But here on my blog, I intend to speak out.  We have been living separately for the past several months.  A lot of that time is vague - I don't remember much of the summer - my mind must be blocking it out.  I am sure there are things that I will miss about the Enginerd, but there are also many MANY things I will not miss. 

In no particular order (please try to follow all of my double negatives):
  • I will not miss never being able to talk about anything - how I was feeling, my sadness, the fact that the hallway needed painting for 2 years...  Any time I wanted to talk about something, I was told that "all I do is bitch".  
  • I will not miss the bickering.  We bickered non-stop, and it was exhausting.
  • I will not miss crying myself to sleep because my husband slept on the couch every. single. night.
  • I will not miss trying to talk to the Enginerd about how unhappy I was and being told that I just need to increase my medication.
  • I will not miss staying at work late so that I didn't have to come home and deal with the passive aggression.
  • I will not miss my kids asking me why their Dad is in a bad mood all the time.
  • I will not miss asking him to go to therapy with me and being told that I am the problem... "We" don't need therapy.
  • I will not miss never feeling beautiful or attractive.
  • I will not miss feeling alone all the time.
  • I will not miss everyone thinking we had a perfect marriage.
  • I will not miss all of the physical symptoms of stress that have magically disappeared - my severe lower back pain; the TMJ pain that would make my jaw lock up.
  • I will not miss having my feelings of self-worth being sacrificed so the Enginerd did not have to stand up to his mother.
I am sure I am not telling any of you anything you don't already know...  It takes 2 people to make a marriage succeed, and it also takes 2 people to make a marriage fail.  The Enginerd would say that I hammered the final nail in the coffin of our marriage - I must point out that it was after years of failed attempts at resuscitation.  What's done is done, and we all need to move on now.  I would like to add that though the path we took to arrive at a divorce may not have been the most pleasant, I would not change the final result.
    This whole experience has taught me many things:
    • I have learned who my true friends are.  True friends stand by you when things are not rosy...  They don't judge or pry.  They don't indulge the rantings of others.  
    • I have learned that one of my best friends is my sister.  (Love you DH!)
    • I have learned that the Enginerd will never take any responsibility for our failed marriage.  In his mind, everything will always be my fault. 
    • I have learned that being happy will be my best revenge.


      Ms. Diva said...

      Amen sister!! My ex still thinks he did nothing wrong when he had an affair when I was pregnant with our daughter. Men! Bleh!!! You will be happy!!! God bless!

      Zookeeper Jess said...

      I hope that now you are able to be completely and fully happy. No one should ever have to live like that. As I read your blog post I just felt so depressed for you, imagining going through that for years.

      I hope that this is the new beginning that you need. You need happiness and deserve happiness.


      Jenn said...

      I am so sorry to hear about the pain you endured. Unfortunately too many people are suffering through dysfunctional relationships while trying to make it look like everything is rosy on the outside. It's unfortunate that more people cannot be strong enough to embrace the truth and change. You should be Very proud of yourself right now for chosing life and not the silent death of denial and unhappiness. Don't look back. I don't believe in regret. Regret is for two kinds of people - Those who act with truly bad intentions towards others and those who cannot own their actions and be brave enough to live in truth without blaming others for their choices. You openned the door to happiness, now all you need to do is keep walking forward through that open door...

      Facie said...

      I think you are brave and strong. Too many real people (and by real, I mean anyone who is not a famous singer, actor, etc.) hang on and suck it up no matter how awful things get. No one who is married should feel alone all the time, let alone most of the time. And I am sorry you never felt beautiful or attractive.

      Try not to worry about revenge; just be happy regardless, and I think you will be just fine. Onward and upward. :-)

      Erma Reincarnated said...

      Good for you! I always knew you were a survivor and will continue to survive. I agree the best revenge is happiness...I wish that and much more!

      Kristy said...

      I'm so sorry you are going through this! Hope you are doing ok.

      Pamela said...

      I have been MIA from here for too long. You're going to come out on top. That's a good list and I'm sure it really helped to get it out. xoxo