Thursday, December 23, 2010

Second Best...

Well the holidays are upon us...  I have never liked them - for as long as I can remember I have disliked Christmas time.  The shopping, decorating, wrapping gifts...  Bah Humbug!

This year will be the first Christmas I spend without the Enginerd...  This is also the first Christmas where my kids no longer believe in Santa, so it is kind of a double whammy.  It will be the first Christmas morning that I wake up and my kids aren't with me - they are coming home at noon on Christmas Day.  I feel like I am second best...  in many ways.

When I was married, what I wanted always came second to the Enginerd's mother...  On Christmas Eve, we always, ALWAYS went to his mother's.  Even when we lived in Ohio and had 2 babies - we drove to his mother's for Christmas Eve.  In my mind, it was a small price to pay so that we could stay home on Christmas day.  Arguing about it was futile.  It was like that for every. single. holiday.  I became numb and accustomed to being second place.

As a child, I went back and forth between my parents homes though they were many more miles apart than the Enginerd and me.  But I swore to myself that I would never do that to my kids....  and here I am...

At this moment, I feel very alone and it is tearing me up.  I dragged myself out of bed this morning for work...  I am hoping I can be distracted there for a few hours... 

I wish I had them Christmas Eve and Christmas morning...  I wish I didn't have to share them...  I wish I didn't feel so alone right now...  I wish I didn't feel like second best...

5 comments:

gayle said...

Oh I am so sad for you! It must be extremely hard. As I was reading this I couldn't help but think of my daughter. Sometimes I feel she is 2nd best to her husbands mother. I sure hope I am wrong.
Please enjoy your day with your kids and do something special!

Facie said...

So sorry you are going through this. Hopefully you can find/have found something to occupy yourself until you see your kids. If nothing else, maybe try to tell yourself it has to be better than the alternative (i.e., the way it was).

Wishing you a better 2011.

Jessi said...

Oh, mama. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope that now that they're home, you're feeling better and had a Merry Christmas.

Kristy said...

I hope you had a good day with them. That must have been hard. I'm so sorry.

loveandchaosreign said...

I hope your holiday was beautiful, even if it wasn't the holiday you envisioned.

Hugs.