Friday, July 30, 2010

Update... (with a little venting)

I must say - I might be the most naive person on the face of the earth... 

I am certainly aware that divorce can be ugly...  My parents divorced when I was very young and their relationship was...  strained to say the least.  But I really really believed that the Enginerd and I would be mature adults about all of this. 

Well - I can now see why sooo many divorces go sour!  For the last 17 years, I have paid the bills, invested our money, managed the savings, made sure the kids have college accounts and savings accounts.  In addition, nobody in our household has ever wanted for anything EVER!  Why would I all of a sudden want to cheat the Enginerd??  WHY?  I have no f'n idea, but apparently I do!

I have tried to be fair - agreeing to split everything down the middle; underestimating the value of assets so that the Enginerd didn't have to come up with too much in a settlement; not forcing a sale of any assets or properties that may be held dear.

What has being nice gotten me??   Not a fucking thing!  I just want this to be OVER NOW! 

We are in the middle of a 90 day waiting period.  There are 62 days remaining until the end of this waiting period (not that I am counting or anything?!?!?!).  In theory at day 91, if all the paperwork is complete between the attorneys, we could sign the agreements, and then the attorneys just need to get a judges signature/approval.  I really believed that this would all be done by the end of October - by Thanksgiving at the latest.   Now - I am not so sure.

To be clear, my mind is not changing!  I do not want to go back!  The people who know me - really know me - have noticed a huge change in my disposition.  I am actually happy again - and it feels effortless!  Even with all the stress in my life right now - I am happy!  WOW - it feels so good to say that! 

This weekend, I am starting to move out of the house to a condo nearby.  The moving truck will come next week to hopefully wrap up the move.  I keep telling myself to just get through this move - everything will be better once I am out of the house. 

I am just going to continue sitting in a fetal position, rocking back and forth, mumbling to myself now...

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

A sad post today...

Well - it is Post it Note Tuesday, but I don't have any witty Post-Its today...  This post is going to be a difficult one for me...  I started this blog months ago to have a place to rant.  None of my "real" friends or family knew about it.  Then gradually, I told a few people.  The result of that has been that I have censored this blog.  Today will be a very uncensored post...

The Enginerd and I have decided to end our marriage.  It is difficult to even type those words - I still cannot bring myself to say to D-word.  We have been married for 17 years; I have been with him since I was 16 years old; this is something I NEVER thought I would I go through; it is a sad sad time.

We are trying to work together to make this separation as amicable as possible.  Obviously we will always be in each others lives, and we are hoping to remain friends.  He has been in my life for 25 years...  He has given me 2 beautiful children...  There was a time when we were happy and in love...  I am holding onto all of that - he will always hold a special place in my heart, and a piece of me will always love him.  But the sadness in our marriage is pervasive, and we both deserve to be happy.  We also owe it to our children to create positive, happy environments for them, and we have failed at that for some time.

For all of my "real life" friends out there - please do not email, text, phone, or IM me with tons of questions.  I do not want to talk!  I have chosen a few select, very old, dear friends and family members to confide in about this.  I am also continuing to see a therapist to work through the grief and all of the other emotions that I am experiencing right now.

Thank you friends - for listening to me ramble on about this difficult time.