Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The next chapter begins...

The divorce is final.  During this whole thing, I tried not to malign the Enginerd.  Though there were multiple times he said very nasty things about me.  I chose to mourn the ending of my marriage privately.  Even now, for those of you who know me in person, I will not speak negatively about the Enginerd.  Our issues were private, and really nobody else's business.

But here on my blog, I intend to speak out.  We have been living separately for the past several months.  A lot of that time is vague - I don't remember much of the summer - my mind must be blocking it out.  I am sure there are things that I will miss about the Enginerd, but there are also many MANY things I will not miss. 

In no particular order (please try to follow all of my double negatives):
  • I will not miss never being able to talk about anything - how I was feeling, my sadness, the fact that the hallway needed painting for 2 years...  Any time I wanted to talk about something, I was told that "all I do is bitch".  
  • I will not miss the bickering.  We bickered non-stop, and it was exhausting.
  • I will not miss crying myself to sleep because my husband slept on the couch every. single. night.
  • I will not miss trying to talk to the Enginerd about how unhappy I was and being told that I just need to increase my medication.
  • I will not miss staying at work late so that I didn't have to come home and deal with the passive aggression.
  • I will not miss my kids asking me why their Dad is in a bad mood all the time.
  • I will not miss asking him to go to therapy with me and being told that I am the problem... "We" don't need therapy.
  • I will not miss never feeling beautiful or attractive.
  • I will not miss feeling alone all the time.
  • I will not miss everyone thinking we had a perfect marriage.
  • I will not miss all of the physical symptoms of stress that have magically disappeared - my severe lower back pain; the TMJ pain that would make my jaw lock up.
  • I will not miss having my feelings of self-worth being sacrificed so the Enginerd did not have to stand up to his mother.
I am sure I am not telling any of you anything you don't already know...  It takes 2 people to make a marriage succeed, and it also takes 2 people to make a marriage fail.  The Enginerd would say that I hammered the final nail in the coffin of our marriage - I must point out that it was after years of failed attempts at resuscitation.  What's done is done, and we all need to move on now.  I would like to add that though the path we took to arrive at a divorce may not have been the most pleasant, I would not change the final result.
    This whole experience has taught me many things:
    • I have learned who my true friends are.  True friends stand by you when things are not rosy...  They don't judge or pry.  They don't indulge the rantings of others.  
    • I have learned that one of my best friends is my sister.  (Love you DH!)
    • I have learned that the Enginerd will never take any responsibility for our failed marriage.  In his mind, everything will always be my fault. 
    • I have learned that being happy will be my best revenge.