Second Best...

Well the holidays are upon us...  I have never liked them - for as long as I can remember I have disliked Christmas time.  The shopping, decorating, wrapping gifts...  Bah Humbug!

This year will be the first Christmas I spend without the Enginerd...  This is also the first Christmas where my kids no longer believe in Santa, so it is kind of a double whammy.  It will be the first Christmas morning that I wake up and my kids aren't with me - they are coming home at noon on Christmas Day.  I feel like I am second best...  in many ways.

When I was married, what I wanted always came second to the Enginerd's mother...  On Christmas Eve, we always, ALWAYS went to his mother's.  Even when we lived in Ohio and had 2 babies - we drove to his mother's for Christmas Eve.  In my mind, it was a small price to pay so that we could stay home on Christmas day.  Arguing about it was futile.  It was like that for every. single. holiday.  I became numb and accustomed to being second place.

As a child, I went back and forth between my parents homes though they were many more miles apart than the Enginerd and me.  But I swore to myself that I would never do that to my kids....  and here I am...

At this moment, I feel very alone and it is tearing me up.  I dragged myself out of bed this morning for work...  I am hoping I can be distracted there for a few hours... 

I wish I had them Christmas Eve and Christmas morning...  I wish I didn't have to share them...  I wish I didn't feel so alone right now...  I wish I didn't feel like second best...