Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I am annoyed!

This post is deeper than most of my posts...  there are just some things I need to express...

I am marrying a widower with 2 little girls.  The entire situation presents a very interesting dynamic.

El Director lost his first wife; the girls lost their mother.  They mourn that loss.

I lost my first husband, though not because of death.  And my children lost their intact family.  We mourn that loss.

We all will continue to mourn our individual losses.  However, we are all moving forward as a family.  and WE ARE HAPPY!  Can you believe it?  Yes - we are all happy to be together!

I do not expect my new stepchildren to forget their mother.  However, I need to point out that I am the one who will raise them...  I am the one who will wipe their tears; hold them when they are sick; attend their school functions; cheer them on at their soccer games.  I am the one who has embraced these little girls as if they are my own to try to make them feel whole again... to make them feel the unconditional love of a Mom...

There are some things that annoy me greatly and I have no other outlet for them...
  • I am annoyed when Mother's Day is hijacked.  I am annoyed when there are ceremonies or remembrances occurring and I am not included.  In fact, not only am I not included, I am not even told about these events...  At the end of the day - I became the second best Mom.  There are 365 days in the year - pick any other day to make me the second best Mom...  Incidentally, I think next year we are eliminating Mother's Day from our family calendar.
  • I am very annoyed when people try to prolong the mourning.  Is that insensitive??  Well - I don't care!  I wish people would stop trying to find new and innovative ways to remember El Directors first wife.  Otherwise I may have to find new and innovative ways to commemorate my first husband as well.
  • Do not feel sorry for El Director and my step-daughters.  This kind of goes along with prolonging the mourning... Is it so far-fetched to believe that El Director could actually be happy with anyone than his first wife??
  • No - we are not going to have any kind of dedication to El Directors first wife at our wedding.  The same way we will not be having any kind of dedication to my first husband. 
Enough venting for now...  I reserve the right to add more later.


    Jenn said...

    No one could deny that you are in largely unchartered territory emotionally. I cannot even imagine, but you are strong enough to get through this with honesty, courage and a lot (a lot) of love and understanding - you are. And I know there is lots of love in store for you!

    Erma Reincarnated said...

    So I totally understand the vent and know that starting a combined family is a challenge in the best circumstances. I'm guessing competing against an idealistic memory is a no win situation. It isn't a level playing field for sure. However you are one strong momma and will get past this and likely you may all grow from it because it puts a lot of emotions out there.

    On the flip side...time does help. Maybe their view of their new world has not expanded as quickly as yours. Possibly they are still figuring it out and aren't quite sure how to express those vulnerable feelings. I don't know if this is a comfort but I totally faked it with my "shudder" step dad after my dad died. So maybe it is a positive that they felt they could do what they did. I know for sure you are going to be a positive force in their life and you will be the one they look to for motherly guidance.

    Dedication...did someone really have the gull to ask that?!?! The last time I checked a marriage was between two people and not three!

    Stay strong and follow your instinct. Eventually they will have the faith and trust to follow it as well :-)

    Facie said...

    I am glad for all of you that the girls have embraced you as they have and that you are so willing to be embraced. This should go along way to keep your family strong.

    As for the ceremonies/remembrances that you did not know about, maybe they are trying to spare your feelings or don't want you to feel uncomfortable? In a way, your new daughters will have two moms, and I am sure they (and you) would not want them to forget her. But hopefully next year will be better.

    I know a woman who lost her husband to cancer when they were in the 20s and had no kids. She has been sponsoring a golf outing in his name for something like a dozen years, and her current husband, with whom she has several children, participates in this event (the event predates their relationship). I am not sure I could do that if I were him, but I give them both credit, her for honoring his memory one day a year with a worthy cause, and him for supporting it.

    Did someone actually suggest that El Director's first wife be mentioned at your ceremony? That is pretty inappropriate.

    Sorry for rambling. I hope you have a lovely ceremony and reception. I wish you all the best!

    manic-geisha said...

    Wow! I can't imagine anyone doing a dedication to the deceased first wife at a wedding! Except maybe her children's weddings one day.

    I didn't do that for my own mom because well it wasn't about that.

    I do feel you need to remember the past and all that. But we live in the here and now. They sound fortunate to have someone like you in their lives! Maybe that point is getting lost in all that?

    Heidi said...

    When a life is taken too soon, the people who loved that person will always grieve. ALWAYS. There is no way that you can just make them stop by being a good person. And to erase Mother's Day from now on because they chose to remember their mom who has only been gone for two years?!?!?

    Please, please, put yourself in your childrens place. Would you want a new mom making sure they don't celebrate Mother's Day and YOUR memory if something were to happen to you?

    Geisha, you really think that this new family is "fortunate" to have her in their lives? I think that these girls are UN-fortunate as at every turn, I'm sure, this woman wil try to erase the memory of their biological mom.

    emilie420 said...

    I normally don't comment on people's blog if I don't know them personally, but your entry has really upset me. As a mother to 3 children, I am very sad to see that you would think it's normal to expect these two children to make you their new mother just on the basis that you are marrying their father. No one, no matter how good, will ever take the place of a mother, you as a mom should know that like the rest of us. These children suffered a tremendous loss and are still grieving... With time, they will get better and probably think of her less often, but it is not your job or right to make that happen, and especially not so soon.

    If you love these children as your own, which you should if you are marrying their father, then please show some compassion and understanding and let them celebrate their mom when they feel the need to. Put yourself in their shoes, rather than see it as the world against you. It is perfectly possible to be a great stepmother and still respect the memory of the person who has passed.

    And please don't ever compare "losing your husband" through divorce to someone losing their spouse to death. There is a huge difference there in my opinion, and it is very wrong for you to think otherwise...

    All in all, your attitude, your tone and your choice of words don't make you sound like a very nice person, and right now, I am almost feeling sorry for your new husband and children for you don't seem to love them and respect them as you should.

    Theresa said...

    I am guessing that you still have both of your parents. The mourning is not being prolonged. The mourning will always be there, maybe it won't be at the front of things every day but after six years without my dad holidays are still tough on me. And I am an adult.

    In my opinion you should be happy to be the second best mom. Their real mom should always be first. No matter how many tears you wipe, games you watch or holidays you have together. Their mom will always be missed and mourned.

    As for "mourning" the loss of your first marriage. Can not even be compared. You had a choice and you DECIDED to end that marriage.

    Your husband and children had no choice in what happened to their mom/wife.

    Congrats on finding love but do not try to replace their mom. Try to be the best mom that you can to them but if they want to talk about their mom or remember her it is their right to do so.

    I pray that your post was written in a moment of hurt and that you realize how much was taken from these girls.